You know, a lot of what we say to each other tends to fall on the side of cheesy or hackneyed or cliché, but the thing is… I am so glad that I met you. You were like a brief dream that appeared in front of me in this hell. I will always be grateful to you for your willingness to listen, your wise advice, your absence of judgment, and your constant steadfastness when it came to always telling me the truth – even when it was a hard truth or one that you knew I wouldn’t want to hear. Hell, especially then.
I can’t really put my finger on when it was exactly, but once I started to develop feelings for you that went deeper than mere friendship it was a slippery slope. You are such an incredible person and you have so much to offer and yet you are so hard on yourself… I just couldn’t help but fall in love with you a little bit – you, and your beautiful soul. Because that’s the thing. Yeah, it’s got some scars and stitches and it’s battered and bruised and it’s been dragged through the mud, but your soul is beautiful. I see it when I look in your eyes, when you play me your music, and when you read me your poetry. You are a deep thinker, an old soul, and wise beyond your years, and those are the things that I came to value in you so much as my friend. I know I’ve said this to you before, many times, but I don’t often meet people with whom I can just talk for hours on end and not get bored. You and I skip the small talk and delve right into life and death and God and the universe and psychology and society and talking about things that actually MATTER and most people our age don’t want to talk about that kind of stuff. But even more than that, I just love to listen to you talk, especially when it’s something that you’re passionate about because you light up and get so animated and sometimes get so excited that you stumble over your words a little bit and it’s the most endearing thing, I swear.
I hate timing. Timing is an absolute bitch. When we met, you had [Scarlet] and I had [John] and we were both happy in our relationships. Then, when we actually started spending time together and we were both single again, neither of us were really in the place to be looking for a relationship, as we were both busy delving into ourselves and trying to work on self-improvement and getting to know ourselves better before trying to connect with anyone else. Plus there was the whole thing of me only having two months left in Spain.
And now, I’m leaving, and the only reason I’m even writing you this is because I would hate myself if I didn’t at least tell you that I felt this way about you. I have enough what ifs in my life that I regret because now I’ll never know, and while every instance of me admitting to someone that I care about them as more than a friend has gotten me nowhere thus far (except rejected, occasionally painfully, and once or twice cost me a friendship), I firmly believe that we are good enough friends and you are a mature enough person that – should my suspicions be right and you have no considerations of me as anything other than a good friend – we will simply continue as we are, keep being friends, and keep having our long, deep talks and (when we can) have lazy weekends where we binge-watch anime together and play D&D and snark at each other and listen to good music and drink beer and laugh at Markiplier’s shenanigans.
So regardless of the outcome of this letter, I just wanted to say thank you. I appreciate and value you so much and I’m lucky that I have you in my life.
All my love, kjaereste…
~ your lucy/nyu