It’s the little things. Like a coworker you barely know asking if you’re all right, because you don’t seem “as joyous as usual,” or a coworker who is looking out for you double checking what appeared to be a glaring error and realizing that you didn’t screw up after all. And, of course, peanut butter oatmeal granola bars. Those are great.
Today has been a weird mixed bag in the life of Me. On the one hand, I got a half day, got to have brunch with someone I’m sweet one and sass at him for a while, and the weather outside is perfect. On the other, my ex-fiancé told me he loved me, one of my bosses yelled at me in front of multiple people over absolutely nothing and almost made me cry (which would have been twice as unfortunate because my makeup is ON POINT today), and I am rather tired.
My plan of action to combat the way today has been going is to go to the gym, lift heavy things and then set them back down for a while, run on what is essentially a human hamster wheel, and then go home to shower, study, and eat noms. I’m thinking fish and rice for dinner tonight. Basically, I’m just trying to get myself together. I need to spend some time focusing on myself and ignoring other people. I have an established reputation as a maternal type person who can be turned to when people need advice or a shoulder or whatever else and I don’t intend to completely abandon that role, but I do need to start taking some time for myself. I have no problem giving of myself to others who need help, but at the same time sometimes a girl just needs a break. As much as I hate to admit it to myself (or anyone else for that matter), Ashley was right when she said you can’t help someone else if you’re drowning yourself. So I’m taking a sabbatical/hiatus/etc. I’m going to spend some time working on me, and once I’ve gotten that all ironed out, I will once again start taking on strays.
In the meantime, I’ve put together some basic guidelines for myself that should help, to include but not be limited to no alcohol, limited beverages that aren’t water, no energy drinks (although sourcing caffeine from tea or coffee is all right), no fast food, limited eating out, as much meal planning as humanly possible, and never, ever skipping another day at the gym unless I’m violently ill. Laziness can’t be an excuse anymore. I hate my body, but the only way to stop hating it is to do something about it, so that’s what I’m going to do. I have a vision board, I have a plan, now I just need to stick to it. New Year, new me, etc. Whatever other old clichés you want to throw in there. The point is, I need to get shit done.
Tomorrow, I’m meeting with the actual psychiatrist on base (not my usual therapist) and hopefully that will be a good stepping stone on my road to fixing my life. I’ve got a few alternatives to the medication I am currently taking (which has completely stopped working for me) to discuss with him, and my hope is that as a fellow healthcare provider, he will take my input into consideration and not just put me on some drug willy nilly. I have a specific set of concerns that have always gone along with being put on psych meds, and I’m hoping they can be addressed adequately through the Commander’s expertise.
In the meantime, here’s hoping I keep on keeping on and get my proverbial shit together.
Til next time, stay frosty, nerds.