Two posts in one week, what?! I know, right? But that’s where we are.
Normally I’d open my blog post with something cliché about “the more things change, the more they stay the same,” but that is no longer applicable. Which, overall, is actually a very good thing. I feel like I’ve finally fully settled into my position at my new clinic (Optometry is actually really interesting and I work with really good people), college is in full swing, my advancement exam is almost here (which means soon it will be almost over and I can stop stressing out about it), I’m on a 29 day streak with my Spanish homework and a 5 day streak with my writing in 750words, I’ve been to the gym more days than not over the past three weeks, and I’m finally starting to be okay with my ex-fiancé not being a part of my life anymore. I feel like, in spite of the amount of stress I’m under right now, I’m finally starting to get it together.
There are plenty of things going wrong in my life right now, of course, and plenty more that I could complain about, but why bother? Obsessing over things outside my control isn’t going to do me any good, so I’ve chosen to just focus on the good stuff, you know? What’s that old, cliché adage… “Lord, give me the coffee to change the things I can, the wine to accept the things I can’t, and the smarts to know the difference” or something? That’s about where I’m at these days.
There’s a potential for a newly blossoming romance in my life, I get to dog-sit for my favorite first class for over a week starting this weekend, and I was recently told that I look skinnier, that my arms look like I’ve gained some tone, and that I look like I’m starting to develop abs, and all three of those things were noted by different people. Needless to say, it made me feel great about myself, and it did also contribute to my motivation to get into the gym. Hopefully this trend continues, because prior to this I had a really rough few weeks.
TRIGGER WARNING: suicidal content, self-harm, depression
This past weekend I self-harmed for the first time, taking a kitchen knife to my upper left thigh and leaving a series of perfect, even cuts from just above the kneecap up. After drowning in my own depression and suicidal ideations for three days and coming to terms with some serious rejection and abandonment issues, I decided that I wanted to feel pain that I was in control of. It relieved the feeling at the time, but I don’t think it will be a repeat experience, honestly.
I spiraled out of control a little bit that weekend, but prior to those three days and since then, I’ve been feeling better. My depression is definitely still there, in the background, occasionally rearing its ugly head and making it difficult for me to get out of bed in the morning, but I’ve been telling it, politely, to fuck right off and getting up at five AM anyway, to get my workout in before work. My new medications, courtesy of the excellent psychiatrist we have here on base, do seem to be working for me, balancing me out overall, and hopefully that will continue and we won’t have a repeat of last weekend. I haven’t truly felt suicidal in a few weeks, and that’s been a welcome change from what had become my norm for well over a week, where it wasn’t just that I didn’t want to be here anymore but I truly wanted to die. If you’ve never struggled with suicidal ideation or depression, it’s hard to convey what that feels like, but the best description I’ve ever read was simple: having depression is feeling like drowning when you can see everyone else around you breathing easily.
All of this being said, though, I do feel like I’m doing better. I re-chose orders at the end of this week, my professor graciously gave me an extension on my homework, and my support network here seems to be growing somewhat, which has also been a huge load off of my mind.
Well, that’s all she wrote this time. Until next time, stay frosty, nerds. Excelsior!